Yes, it is possible to sustain a thriving marriage while meeting the challenges of growing a business. But no-one ever said it was easy. Here are the ten most common mistakes entrepreneurial couples make when starting or growing a business, that can lead to serious difficulties in their intimate relationship: - Rushing into an entrepreneurial opportunity without thinking through the details of how that decision will affect your marriage and family:
There is no such thing as *my* business when you are married. Whether you are just starting out, contemplating a business expansion, or considering partnering with a friend in a new venture, any choice you make about your business will have a profound effect on your family. Slow down in the face of the dollar signs beckoning you, and think through whether this business decision is good for your spouse and children, as well as your ego and bank account.
- Assuming that your love for one another will prevent the inherent difficulties from taking a toll on your relationship:
The financial rollercoaster of self-employment, combined with the exhausting hours often required to grow and manage a successful business can strain even the best of marriages. This leads us to mistake number three:
- Neglecting personal and family relationships and your own physical and mental health:
If your marriage is on solid ground, you are even more likely to put your attention entirely on your business, assuming your marriage no longer requires daily nurturing. If you stop watering the soil of your relationship for weeks at a time, the bloom of your love will eventually dry up from neglect, no matter how hardy it is.
- Insisting on your original plan instead of changing course when it's right and necessary to do so:
- Entrepreneurial couples who thrive are like two willow trees planted next to each other - strongly rooted, but bending with the winds and storms that come their way. Entrepreneurial life is inherently unpredictable, requiring regular course correction. If you insist on your way, and one way only, you may end up travelling that route without your spouse and family.
- Fantasizing about lucrative sales and profits rather than preparing for realistic cash flow:
Most of us who choose self-employment are driving for financial prosperity. The dream of abundance is vital for keeping us motivated, especially during the hard times. But don't confuse positive visualization with a sound business plan, especially when you've got a mortgage to pay, and children who depend on you for support. Realistic financial planning is not the same as negative thinking - it is responsibly protecting your most important asset - your family.
- Complaining about the required sacrifices and compromises, even though you supported the idea in the beginning:
Business ownership often turns out to be more demanding than we, or our spouses ever imagined. It is not uncommon for the spouse of an entrepreneur to shift from enthusiastic supporter, to angry antagonist when the money isn't flowing in, when the entrepreneur isn't home for dinner often enough, or when working together as partners is straining their love-life. That brings us to another common mistake:
- Battling your partner, instead of joining together to find common ground and win-win solutions:
Too often we attack our spouse as the source of the problem, instead of joining with them as part of the same team and tackling the problem together. Search for solutions that meet your mutual interests, and be willing to sacrifice some of your wants for the good of your family. Support your spouse's needs whenever possible, and you'll get your needs met in the long run.
Well over half of the entrepreneurial couples I interviewed for "Honey, I Want to Start my Own Business: A Planning Guide for Couples," sought the assistance of a marriage counselor or coach during troubled times. If your business has an accounting problem, you don't hesitate to call in an accountant. When you are on the verge of being sued, you hire an attorney, regardless of the cost. Don't wait until divorce has become an option before seeking outside assistance to help you resolve conflict in your marriage. It is not a sign of weakness, but rather of strength, to seek help for your relationship when you need it.
- Expecting your partner's support no matter what degree of risk and sacrifice is involved:
Just because your spouse loves you, doesn't mean he or she will follow you to the moon. Entrepreneurial life is risky and difficult at times. Each of you will need to step out of your comfort zone and be willing to endure greater uncertainty and fear than you would prefer. Distinguish between uncomfortable and intolerable sacrifice, and don't demand that your mate endure the intolerable. A panicking spouse can't support you emotionally the way you would desire.
- Relying on your intimate partner to be your primary or only sounding board for resolving business problems:
Your spouse may be your best friend and the refuge for your weary body and frustrations after a hard day. Many entrepreneurs have told me that without the ongoing emotional support of their spouse they never would have survived the tough times in their business. Don't shut your spouse out of your business life, but don't rely on them as your sole means of encouragement and support. Create a network of colleagues and friends who can be your cheerleader as well. And make sure to share the good news with your spouse, not just the bad.
Your chances of celebrating your success with those you love will be signifcantly improved if you have the skills and commitment to care for your marriage in some of these basic ways. Entrepreneurial life offers no guarantees and neither does marriage. But I assure you this: Avoid these ten common mistakes and your marriage will have additional strength and resilience when the trials of starting and growing a business are knocking at your door.
Azriela Jaffe: Author, speaker, coach, the nation's expert on entrepreneurial couples.
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